I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
