Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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