just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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