Your face is a jimmy john
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
