quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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