her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
