We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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