hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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