Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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