A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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