Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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