he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
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I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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