I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
