Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
