We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
