Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
they're like a gay fantastic four
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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