i jhust puked up my retainher.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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