I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
