I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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