I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
