I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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