He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
