I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
