Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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