Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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