I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
and she was petting her beer can
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
