No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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