As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
