I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
