somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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