You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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