I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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