I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
