Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
time to smoke my breakfast
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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