If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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