somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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