What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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