also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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