the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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