Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
