woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
