I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You pole danced in your parka.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
