And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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