just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
we should paint friendship bongs
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