grandma shit on top of the toilet
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Bring me that man meat
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
