Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
