Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Send help, water and tortillas.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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