It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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