Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize