I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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