I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
