I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I want a musical about memes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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