please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
