we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
