No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
