a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
